If you are looking out for a wife, never choose one above three feet ten inches in height, for these following reasons.
You will be able, if you are anything of a man, to look down on her, and she will of necessity be forced to look up to you; she will take less clothes to cover her; and your bedding and bedstead, being short to suit her size, will cost less money out of your pocket.
Whenever you see a man pick another’s pocket, never tell him of it until the deed is done.
You will by doing so insure three very important things: quiet to your own conscience for having done your duty; the thanks of the person who has been robbed; and the everlasting gratitude of the thief, for allowing him to escape.
If you want to kill yourself, don’t set about it in the usual way, by hanging yourself from the bannisters or a bedpost; instead give some neighbour a guinea to dash your brains out for you with a poker and cry “murder” as loud as you can.
If you recover you can appear in court against him for attempting to end your life, and if you die, he will stand a fair chance of following you shortly.
Never believe a man who tells you that if he were single today he would be married tomorrow; the thing is utterly impossible, as it could not be done in so short a time.
There is more eating and drinking going on in the city of London than in any other city containing half the number of inhabitants.
Whenever you should happen to meet a creditor, take care to be suitably smitten with the sight of some very pretty girl that no one can see but yourself; remember, however, not to get behind a lamppost to look at her.
Those who remember the original say that an omnibus is very much like Noah’s Ark.